Red Mountain Hooligans
Retired!
Description
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| Bulletin board from the coach |
| Mar. 6th, 2015 - old news |
NOT IN THE FACE!!! NITFA, SOMEWHERE IN THE OLD WORLD
The "Not In The Face" Bowl was played this past weekend for the dubious title of 'Not The Worst'. Our lads, the Red Mountain Hooligans, faced off against the extremely so-so Ogre conglomerate Mediogre and the match certainly lived down to expectations!
With the Critical Bowl coming up later the same afternoon, only 12,000 fans showed up early (and sober) enough to cheer for the two sides. The Hooligans took up a collection and hired a wizard, then cheated him on his fee so that they had enough left over to pay off a ref. That's good Goblinomics!
Coach 'Cheats' McGuire decided to hold onto the money a the coin toss went the Ogres way and they elected to punch the other players first. Also, to get the ball. Maybe.
The Hooligans sent out the Ed brothers, Bolt Throwa the Bombardier, Diamondhead Rex the Looney, and 7 Goblins. As the kick sailed through the air, the fans suddenly got really involved and rioted! Once the refs got them back to their seats (the ones that survived), the match carried on!
Ogre Common Carl greeted rookie Armstrong by badly hurting the goblin right off the line. Welcome to the big leagues! Tolerable Tim, also an ogre, scooped up the ball and headed for midpitch. Coach Dan sent in his journeySnot to foul Big Ed and knocked the troll out! The ref, trying to curry favor with Coach McGuire and his gold, ejected the tiny cheater!
Steady Eddy the Pogoer Koed a Snot as the Goblins moved into defensive position. Bolt Throwa saw a line of ogres ready for a well-thrown bomb...but he doesn't throw them well. His bomb drifted right back to him, knocking him out of the game!
The ogres moved across midpitch, stunning Rex with his own saw, and continued to play much better than their boneheaded reputation! Ogre Ordinary Oscar got cocky and ran downfield like a receiver! He was gang-blocked by Steady Eddy and KOed! King Joe was so furious he didn't get to feed the ogre a boot he almost killed Eddy himself!
After more brilliant positioning and a veritable coaching clinic, the teams began to show their true colors. Stephen So-So tried to smash Jimmy Two-Boots but a well-placed goblin elbow applied directly to ogre gut sent them both down, despite the ogre being three times stronger! Sadly, no one was hurt but the same could not be said for Harry Humdrum, Ogre #3, as he met the business end of Rex's chainsaw (that would be the spinning, point side) and was badly hurt!
The turning point of the drive came with Steady Eddy bounced into the Ogre cage and tested his mettle against the ballcarrying ogre Tolerable Tim and brought the big guy down! He then leapt over two other players and went for the ball but fumbled it away! That won't look good during contract negotiations, "Steady" Eddy!
The ogres then suffered a sweeping epidemic of boneheadedness and didn't know what Coach Dan meant as he screamed, "KILL THE POGO!!!" Eddy saw his chance and went for the ball, scooping it up this time but then turning around to deliver an obscene gesture to the ogre sideline. He then promptly failed to dodge away from the last snoting in his way and fell over, fumbling the ball again. As both teams fell over each other trying to gather up the ball, King Joe ended the half by trying to dodge out for a foul and tripping over a tiny snotling leg.
Halftime 0-0 at the Not In The Face Bowl! It should be called the Not In The Endzone Bowl!
Coach McGuire bribed the refs to allow Diamondhead Rex back in for the second half as Bolt Throwa was simply moved by a stretcher from the KO box to the Ejected Box. No one even woke him up!
Speaking of the O box, both Ed brothers returned but Mediogre returned no one! THe ogres fielded 4 of their own, plus 2 snotlings while our lads were playing at full strength! The Hooligans gathered up the kick, and laid into the ogre line, felling then like trees but they proved too tough to remove. King Joe finally got to wind up and deliver a bonecrushing foul with FOUR assists...and was immediately ejected! When told later the ogre survived, Joe blamed the ref for "chuckin' me after I only booted 'im once!' I don't even get warmed up until three or four good bounces on the same skull!"
midway through the half, all the snots had been removed and the 4 ogres could not get out of their own way long enough to derail the Hooligan cage! Goblin Elwood later said, "So this is what Dwarves feel like when they play us? We should all get beards!"
Coach McGuire didn't let up despite the lads' on-pitch success, sending Shinzo in for a foul and getting him tossed as well. Coach immediately reminded the ref of his recent 'donation' and the ref responded with, "What have you done for me lately?"
As the Hooligans escort Eddy down the field, the ogres began smashing any goblin trying to tie them down. Diamondhead Rex went out, as did "Future Cas" Kazlowski. Dizzy Dirk swung around so wildly he ran right into rookie Elwood and knocked them both down! A probability wizard was used to rewind time and this time Dizzy smashed himself in the face so hard that three giant skulls appeared in the air above him for a moment before disappearing! Fans in the stand swore it was a magical moment that even got them to stop drinking and fighting for a moment at least! Dirk went down and out of the game while Elwood was credited in the post-game stats with one casualty!
Eddy made a break for it and the ogres that could shake off the goblins hanging on their legs gave chase! Troll Bait was injured as he hilariously tried to dive in front of a charging ogre! Bug meet windshield...on a deathroller!
Mainstream Mikey was within grabbing distance of a frantically bouncing Eddy when the air began to crackle with energy! A lightning bolt lit up the morning air as it bounced off Mikey's thick skull and sent him to the pitch! That gave Eddy the room he needed to escape and leap into the endzone! Touchdown Hooligans!
Coach McGuire cautioned his players to not get excited as the ogres have been known to score quickly by disregarding the safety of their snotlings! However, the kick sailed so far back that the snotling throw was impossible and the match was called because they needed to get the pitch ready for the real game - the Critical Bowl! But who cares?
THE RED MOUNTAIN HOOLIGANS ARE YOUR NOT IN THE FACE BOWL CHAMPIONS!!!
After the game, Bolt Throwa was voted MVP for playing one turn, KOing himself, and sleeping through the rest of the game. Since it was such a long shot that he won, he vowed to begin practicing his Hail Mary Pass skills before next season!
Speaking of next season, Coach McGuire confirmed that the team will be back for one more season. "Our victory lap", he said, "will be over the backs and faces of fallen foes. We may not win much on the pitch but we will win the hearts of fans worldwide!" When most of his players began making exaggerated puking noises, Coach then added, "By foulin' and chainsawin' and gob-throwin' and being the rowdiest, cheatin'est, goblin crew this side of the Lowdown Rats!"
Thanks to everyone who followed along with this ridiculous blog! I had fun writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it! I hope to do more write-ups next season but I may shorten them. :) |
| - Chance |
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| Feb. 11th, 2015 - old news |
LUCKY LIZARDS, LOSING LADS LOOK AHEAD (or Hooligans Play Down One Troll Entire Match, Still Lose)
RED MOUNTAIN – Our lads finished up their regular season over the weekend as they hosted division rival Farmer’s Market in which both teams were looking forward to something else and never knew what hit them! The Lizards of the Market would earn a playoff spot with a win and the Hooligans looked to get another practice match in before the only real game of their schedule, The Not In The Face Bowl! Our Goblins left everything they had on the pitch – gold, teammates, body parts, boot prints – but it wasn’t enough as they fell 2-1 in overtime.
Coach McGuire spent the pregame working out an “arrangement” with the two referees to ensure they both got the same amount of gold. But team funds were not enough to get the ball first as the refs – dirty cheating gits – allowed the lizards to receive.
But Coach McGuire, an experienced cheater himself, was ready and called a perfect defense! However, his arrogance overshadows his actual coaching ability and he ordered Bombardier Bolt Throwa out of position and the bomber was promptly blitzes and removed by the lizards immediately after the ball hit the pitch. They followed that up by KOing Big Ed off the line. Two Hooligans down!
Sprouts the Skink grabbed the ball and passed it, yes you read that right sports fans, into the lizard cage to Sweet Corn the Skink near the southern widezone. The Hooligans were also ready for this as Goblin #10 Shinzo dodged through the cage to lend an assist while Pogoer Steady Eddy leapt in to pop Sweet Corn and managed to push the skink to the sideline! Hooligan fans, this is where you are supposed to help and drag the skink out for souvenirs!
The lizards pour in and Shinzo goes flying into the crowd and later turns up in the KO bin. But Sweet Corn hadn’t noticed Shinzo tying his tail to Eddy’s pogo stick because when the skink tried to dodge out, he fell down and hurt himself! One skink gone for the match and one ball bouncing free!
It came to rest near Pie the Kroxigor but Steady Eddy thinks he can fly and knows he doesn’t care! He leapt in, scooped up the rock and got away clean despite being whipped and grabbed by Pie’s prehensile tail! Come on, Ref! You gonna call that?
Eddy made a valiant effort to get away with the ball but Nuffle had other plans. A rookie saurus chased him down and caught Eddy waving to the crowd – POW! The lizards can’t get the ball but they surround it. Goblin #13 Ottershaw heard his number called and he tried to blitz/push a skink onto ball but instead they bump skulls with a sound like two coconuts colliding and BOTH go down! Coach McGuire is laughing too hard to call on the probability wizards and Ottershaw was badly hurt (due to his weakened armor) while the skink was a-ok. BOO!
Still mad about the Eddy escape, Pie the Krox badly hurt Hooligan #8 ‘One Ear’ Westerman! He was the 6th Hooligan player removed this drive!
Saurus #15 Granny Smith grabbed up the ball on his first try and the Hooligans immediately filed an inquiry with the league office to investigate rumors started by the Hooligans of performance-enhancing drug use among the Market players.
The Hooligans threw everything they had at the lizards during this point of the game but there was little left to throw. Bigger Ed hit only his third lizard of the drive and kept insisting on pushing them around!
‘Steady’ Eddy the Pogoer tries a miracle blitz on Granny Smith and actually pushed the big lizard! Eddy then continued the name-based insults that the goblins had been throwing out all pitch and saurus #12 Golden Delicious hit him so hard he left the match for good! But seriously, someone had to call out these names! Did the lizard coach lose a bet? Oh, sorry, back to the game – Granny Smith scores and the Market led 1-0.
Big Ed refuses to return as he was not done pouting so the Hooligans fielded 8 players. King Joe (the dirtiest Hooligan player) also stayed out while Dizzy Dirk the Fanatic and Diamondhead Rex came in. This was Rex’s first match with the team – would it be his last?
Our lads gathered up the kick handed off to #14 Troll Bait, who was just surprised he got to play!.. Bigger Ed scooped him up and slung him downfield…where he promptly bounced off a saurus’ head and fumbled. New Looney Diamondhead Rex got caught watching the throw and got KOed. Stupid rookies!
The lizards get overly aggressive and try another Skink pass, which failed. With the ball free, the Hooligans go for the TTM again and actually manage to get the ball back to Troll Bait. But Bigger Ed was too distracted looking for Big Ed and he fumbled the throw. But Coach McGuire waved from the sideline and showed Bigger Ed his brother was fine and wandering around the KO box. After proving Bigger Ed was not alone, the troll obeyed his coach’s order and tried again, sending Troll Bait flying through the stadium air towards an open area of the pitch and a sure TD! But Troll Bait fudged the landing (judges in the stands gave him a -4 out of 10) and he fumbles away the Hooligan’s chances at a halftime tie..
During halftime, the refs agreed to ‘overlook’ the Hooligan’s use of a ball-and-chain and a chainsaw when the Hooligan players insisted the weapons were ‘medically necessary’. Necessary to make the lizards seek medical treatment! But no amount of gold can get Big Ed off his rear end and back in the game! And since he was sitting on King Joe in the KO box, neither one of them could return!
The Hooligans sent out Bigger Ed, Diamondhead Rex, Dizzy Dirk and 5 other Goblins as the kick sailed over their heads and into the endzone. Both ‘medically necessary’ weapons failed to break any lizard armor and Rex’s nerves almost get the best of him as his chainsaw almost kicked back!
Lizards pressed their defense so the lads tried to throw a teammate again but the handoff failed, requiring a probability wizard to rewind time and then Bigger Ed acted really stupid. That is entertaining at halftime, not during the match!
The Market could not get in due to the Hooligan’s masterful positioning (and also lots of dumb luck) but Bigger Ed was draped in Saurus so the Hooligans ran ahead and formed a loose cloud screen along the far widezone. Dizzy Dirk could be heard yelling, “Run for it! I’ll hold them off!” as several saurus gangblocked him and knocked him out of the game. He was either saying that or, “Ahhh, I’m so dizzy! I think I’m gonna puke!” but, either way, the result was the same!
The Markey coach called on his lizards to wall in the goblins as well as possible. But Coach McGuire unveiled his latest master plan - Goblin Reverse! Four Hooligan players, including the ballcarrier Zeb the Liar, dodged through the lizard D and reformed the cloud in the center of the pitch, just three steps from the TD and a tie game!
Sprouts the Skink tried to blitz the ball out but tripped dodging and knocked himself out! The Hooligans players pointed and laughed but that abruptly stopped when they saw the incoming saurus! “Time to go!” yelled Zeb the Liar as he heroically dodgesd through the grabbing arms of three lizards on his way to the endzone! Touchdown!
With everything going their way, the Hooligans had Bigger Ed lead the 6 remaining goblins out on to the pitch. Big Ed failed his THIRD KO test and the team doctors would not clear him to play! Must have money on the lizards! Dirk and Rex headed for the sin bin as the team had no more money with which to ‘convince’ the refs.
The lizards caged up and, once again, the Hooligans broke into the cage with little effort – a goblin’s favorite kind of effort! This time, it was Zeb the Liar that blitzed in and blasted the ball loose! The skink was hauled off to the KO box so fast I didn’t get his name!
The lizards recovered but King Joe, who FINALLY got out from under Big Ed in the KO box, tried the same thing! No cage is safe from goblins! They butted heads and both went down! The lizards are blessed by Nuffle and the skink, their last one on the pitch, is only stunned! Joe seemed okay!
Even though the ball was free, the Hooligans only had one troll and three players left! So a saurus, a SAURUS, went for the ball and fumbled it right into the hands of Big Ed!
Still laughing, King Joe got up and fouled the skink he stunned a while back and knocked him out! In a post-game interview, he was asked about this one-two attack. “Hadda finish da job!” This left the lizards with no skinks on the pitch! A saurus got revenge quickly as he badly hurt Zeb the Liar.
Scrum! Big Ed was finally brought down by a gang of saurus but no one could grab the ball! Frustrated by life, the lizard coach called on a saurus to foul King Joe…and it killed him! With so few players, and King Joe’s jersey being the 6th best-selling Hooligan jersey in Hooligan team shops (buy yours today) the apothecary was called on and King Joe lived to foul another day! Or maybe just the rest of this day!
So we had a 1-1 draw and OVERTIME! Big Ed didn’t see the urgency so he failed his FOURTH KO test and team management seriously considered firing him then and there. They held off for now and the Hooligans sent out Bigger Ed and three gobs to receive the kick and try to win the game!
The lizard kick was way too far back again for a one-turn touchdown attempt and the Hooligans again asked the league to investigate the lizards for cheating! King Joe and Troll Bait huddled near Bigger Ed while ‘Future Caz’ Kazlowski ran back for the ball.
The Market surrounded Bigger Ed and tried to pin his arms down so he couldn’t throw any goblins. They shouldn’t have worried, as the Hooligans would probably just hurt or eat their own players!
‘Future Cas’ saw an opening on the far side of the field because the lizards had overcommitted! And in typical goblin style, just as a ray of light is seen through the clouds, this happens - Bigger Ed blocked a saurus to help seal off a lane for Kazlowski and he HURT HIMSELF! There followed much cheering, booing and forehead slapping from the crowd!
The lizards overwhelmed King Joe and KOed Troll Bait. ‘Future Caz’ tried one last desperate play as he ran to the far back corner of the pitch and taunted, yes TAUNTED, Pie the Krox to come get him! He was hoping the Krox was either too big a bonehead to fall for that or that he could hide the ball in the crowd long enough to hold out for the draw! Would it work?!?!
Pie hit ‘Future Cas’ so hard that the goblin ended up badly hurt in the nosebleed seats. They were blood-free before he landed there. Several fans grabbed for the ball and several were maimed or killed outright. Two Hooligan fans, Elwood and Armstrong, had three crowd casualties each and won a Hooligan contest that earned them roster spots on the team! Finally, the ball was hurled back to midpitch, where it came to rest right near all the lizards. Yawn.
The Market’s last skink, Sprouts, picked up the ball ran it downfield. The other lizards gangfouled King Joe as he taunted them while lying prone on the pitch! The lizards would be denied their pitch-clear as King Joe proved too tough to remove! After giving out so many boots in his life, he has certainly learned the tricks to taking them!
Sprouts the skink scored and the lizards won 2-1 in OT! With their hardwon playoff berth, they promptly lost the next week to division rival and overall #1 seed the Gallifrey Gallopers.
After the match, the Hooligans said goodbye to Ottershaw, whose insistence on wearing snotling armor was just weird, and Zeb the Liar, who was a skilled diving tackler but was too expensive for the team to keep. The Hooligans will add Elwood and Armstrong to their active roster just in time for the Not In The Face Bowl.
Speaking of that bowl, the team recently learned their opponent will be the heavily-favored Chaos Dwarf team Woulda Coulda Shoulda. We believe the team name refers to some sort of pregame chant the players indulge in but the reports are unclear. Either way, The Hooligans will consider hiring some outside help, possibly Ripper or Nobbla or both, as well as look at wizards, bribes and babes. Tune in next time for the thrilling conclusion of the Hooligans quest to win the NITF Bowl!!! |
| - Chance |
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| Jan. 29th, 2015 - old news |
DUEL DEATHS DEFINE DREADFUL DEFEAT [b]or STUPID STALL SQUANDERS SHOT[/b]
OBLIQUA – The Hooligans let a win (or at least a TD) slip through their greedy little fingers this week as they fell to the traveling necro performing arts troupe Oblique Approach. Two players died though, so local fast food chain Burger Fling had Big Moot’s for a single gold coin the rest of the night, so there is that.
The Hooligan’s came out spending as they announced they had hired All-Star Ripper the Troll and a wizard for the match. They then won the coin toss (by stealing it) and elected to receive. Necro Coach Lucas proved he is a fan of this blog, saying he had read it and would be counting the Hooligan players! Sure enough, Coach McGuire had tried to send out 12 and the refs randomly ejected Steady Eddy the Pogoer, who had been set up deep for the ball! It’s getting to where an honest goblin can’t cheat anymore!
The necro kick ended up back in the endzone of course, so the lads had to go chase it. But before they could, the crowd RIOTED and the refs lost track of the clock getting them back into their seats. Coach McGuire tried to hire several ogres and assassins but when the player/fans learned he didn’t intend to pay them, they chose to return to their seats.
Dizzy Dirk the Fanatic began to spin and slammed into zombie #10 Kungas! But despite him being twice as strong as the rookie, Dirk knocked them both down! McGuire had to call in a RR to rewind time and Dirk settled for a push. That was followed up by Big Ed going stupid and Bigger Ed trying to push a flesh golem to no avail. Terrific start! With no RR insurance, gobs ran back to cover the ball but did not pick it up.
The Necro advance, smelling a turnover but Looney Willy Cutcha had other plans! He cut down star ghoul #5 Antonina as she tried to run past, killing her outright! Dizzy Dirk finally got his act together by smashing Wight #3 (on the ground) and badly hurting him! The Hooligans then handed off to Goblin #14 Troll Bait and he ran up into a cage behind Ripper Bigger Ed and Dizzy! Things were looking good!
The necro fought back as Wight #4 Rana Sanga ran behind the cage, looking to pad his stats instead of stop the ball, and killed Willy Cutcha! The team later issued this press release, “This was a sad day for the Hooligans franchise as we lost one of our own. In accordance to Mr. Cutcha’s final wish, we will be auctioning off his game-used chainsaw, promising the profits to a local hospital, then drinking the profits instead.”
With both teams suffering deaths, the two teams jostle for position dangerously close to the near sideline. Just over midpitch, things got interesting!
Ripper throws Wight #4 Rana Sanga into the crowd but the crowd decides against murdering him for some reason. Werewolf #2 Raghunath Rao knocks out goblin Zeb the Liar for the game and the two teams keep trading players! But the drive turned when zombie #9, also called Kungas for some reason, threw an uphill block against Big Ed and knocked them both down but Ed left the pitch!
Troll Bait sensed the turning of the drive and ran to the sideline and was well protected. The Necro walled them in after Werewolf #1 Valentinian had frenzied in to really gum up the works. The Goblins couldn’t pass up a boot to the skull but the Wolf proved too tough to remove!
The crowd began to really get crazy because players were flying out to them repeatedly! Wolf #2 Rao frenzied goblin Shinzo out, then the wolf followed moments later! The crowd was enjoying all the attention too much to hurt either of them!
Troll Bait saw his chance and made a break for the endzone! A few goblins followed, trying to cover for him, but they were still several steps from the endzone! Werewolf #1 Valentinian ran him down and popped the ball free! Coach ‘Cheats’ McGuire had predicted this however, and knew he had other goblins down there for a shot at a score. But Coach Lucas sent his surviving Ghoul Irene Macrembolitissa (who will now be referred to as Other Ghoul because that name is crazy), grabbed the ball and tried to punt it. It didn’t go far, but it required the Hooligans to try a pass for the score and they were too stunty to pull it off. That was low, Necro!
At the half, Big Ed was so embarrassed at being removed by a rookie zombie blocking uphill that he pouted and refused to return. So it was Ripper, Bigger Ed, bombardier Bolt Throwa and 6 goblins against 9 Necro to start the second half. The crowd did the time warp (again) and rioted (again) but after that the second half began to differ quite a bit from the first.
Hooligans players were falling all over the place – dodging, blocking, you name it. Bolt Throwa became Wight #4 Rana Sanga’s second casualty of the match and the Necro pressed the line at midpitch. But Other Ghoul was all by herself in the backfield so Coach McGuire decided she should eat a lightning bolt! She did and was stunned in surprise while goblins ran around the line and scooped up the ball!
Necro couldn’t get to the ball and the Hooligans had a choice – score now or hold out. Coach McGuire would later say, “I should have waved him in, played defense, and either won that way or had Ripper throw one of the lads for the win at the final bell. But I am often dumb and easily distracted. So we stalled.”
The Hooligans did indeed try to stall and had a pretty good coverage formation…until King Joe decided he wasn’t just going to stand next to the still-smoldering body of Other Ghoul, no, he would put a boot into her for a foul! The problem was he had printed up invitations to his Foul Party, as he called it, and the refs were on the mailing list! It was BYOB (Bring Your Own Boot) and Joe did but the refs grabbed him immediately and sent him off because there were no snacks at this party!
So Joe gets tossed and that leaves the ballcarrier unprotected! A werewolf blitzed in, popped the ball and gathered it up. Still, there were many goblins near the play so two of them grabbed the wolf and held him while a third blitzed in…and tripped, not once but twice, right next to him and fell over. The wolf escaped, the Necro went coast-to-coast and scored.
The Hooligans attempted to force OT by setting up a Ripper throw but the weather changed and a lovely (to some) breeze blew the ball out of range. The small but feisty pro-goblin contingent in the crowd let loose with a collective raspberry or some other bodily gas sound as a protest to Nuffle!
At the post-game press conference, Fanatic Dizzy Dirk was talking about how injuring that prone Wight made him feel like he had risen to the next level as a BB player but league officials (who let them in?) stepped in and quoted something called a ‘rulebook’ (Hooligan team management doubts it’s very existence) claiming that Dizzy’s block a subsequent injury on a prone player, while hilarious, would not qualify as an injury for his stats. The attending reporters booed this mightily and immediately voted Dirk MVP. Starting next match, he will unveil the result of weeks of hard training – his new ability to block!
In other team news, the Hooligans welcome new Looney Diamondhead Rex to the squad. “I pledge my saw to the memory of Willy Cutcha, my hero, and will bathe its teeth in the blood of all Hooligan foes. Or my own blood. Or both. Probably both. When do we eat?”
Next week, the lads finish up the regular season with a division rematch against the Farmers Market lizard crew. It will also be the final home game of the season and the first ten thousand fans to show up will get a free skink-kabob! |
| - Chance |
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| Jan. 28th, 2015 - old news |
CLUMSY CREWS CLASH IN CELLAR (or POGO PONDERS POUNDING PACT, PLAYS POORLY)
RED MOUNTAIN – Back-to-back home games for the Hooligans saw them welcome in the Chaos Pact crew Lost Chariots of Fire over the weekend for a match about as wild as you would expect from two of the league’s most interesting (as in cellar-dwelling) teams! The Hooligans made plenty of mistakes, Coach McGuire made decisions like a blindfolded Snotling in a dark room full of rigged mousetraps, and our lads still managed to not lose 1-0. Wait, that’s a win, right?
The Chariots actually came in as something of an underdog, getting 220k in extra gold from league officials to even the odds and promptly reinvested it by betting on themselves! They then won the right to receive and the match was on!
Coach McGuire told his guys to send out 12, continuing their ‘Cheat to Win’ philosophy this season but forgot that most of the team can’t count! Eleven players trotted out onto the pitch, including Short Fuze the rookie Bombardier, and the team would up legal by accident! After the game, goblin #14 Troll Bait had this to say, “I counted dem meself as they went out and got 37 on da nose! I checked it twice, I did! You callin’ me a liar, boyo? I’ll kick yer shins fer yeh, yeh don’ watch out! Plus, lyin’ is Zeb’s ting anyways.”
With the teams evenly matched (in number if not in intellect), the Hooligans kicked off and the Chariots immediately showed why they are called the “Lost” Chariots by attempting a pass that bounced off Dark Elf Hudson’s hands before he gathered it in. The hesitation left him uncovered, however and gob fans began to shout, “Game over, man! Game over!”
Bigger Ed heard his number called and hit marauder #11 Imperial so hard he drove him into the pitch. Refs declared him dead and just buried him on the spot. ‘Future Cas’ Kazlowski blitzed in with his mates lending assists and downed Hudson, but failed to injure him and was immediately booed by the rest of his own team. The ball was gathered up and handed to Pogoer ‘Steady’ Eddy, who was so distracted booing Kazlowski that he dropped the ball!
A scrum ensued, as is likely to happen in Blood Bowl, and goblin #13 Ottershaw had his bell rung so bad by Marauder #10 Willys that the goblins got a serious concussion! But the Hooligan’s luck turned when ‘Steady’ Eddy managed to stop laughing long enough to scoop up the ball and bounce into the endzone to end the first half! The Hooligans led 1-0 at the half!
The second half began with the goblins fielding a full complement of 11 (on purpose), including Looney Willy Cutcha and Fanatic Dizzy Dirk, while the Chariots fielded only 9! But they were ready, as they blitzed as soon as the ball was in the air! Marauder #10 Willys ran under the ball and caught it! When the Hooligans recovered, they sent in Willy Cutcha to cut Willys down, stunning the Marauder and freeing the ball. King Joe stepped in to step on Willys but the ref was all over him, ejecting him immediately! Let ‘em play, ref!
Another scrum ensued (imagine that?), but Pact players were leaving the pitch at an alarming rate – too-fast alarming for the Chariots and too-slow alarming for the Hooligans! With only 5 opponents left on the pitch, ‘Steady Eddy grabbed the ball and ran down the sideline. Coach ‘Cheats’ McGuire had him hold up, ON THE SIDELINE, so that Looney Cutcha could run down the closest Marauder. Cutcha’s normally-trusty saw backfired not once but twice, and down he went!
Eddy’s eyes got cartoonishly wide as the Marauder ran right at him and sent him into the stands to meet the public! He actually dropped the ball before the hit (slo-mo instant relays were hilarious) so the ball stayed on the pitch!
With the momentum shifting to the Chariots, they scoop up the ball and pass to Hudson the Dark Elf Renegade, who runs it to midfield! There was time for the draw – could the Hooligans get out of their own way and stop the Pact?
Goblins surrounded Hudson and Bigger Ed came crashing in with a huge blitz, he easily seemed three times as big as that trembling elf, and planted Hudson face down on the pitch! Goblin #14 Troll Bait went for the ball, fell down dodging, and hurt himself just as the final bell sounded! Hooligans win 1-0 and look ridiculously bad doing it!
After the game, Short Fuze the Bombardier was voted MVP for some reason, and jumped up at the chance to use this for contract leverage. The team cut him immediately and hired Bolt Throwa, hoping he will eventually, with the right training, be a hail mary success!
Next week, the lads return to the division with a rematch against the Necro performance art troupe Oblique Approach! |
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CRITICAL SEASON XXXVI CHAMPION CRITICAL SEASON XXXVI RUNNER-UP CRITICAL SEASON XXXV CHAMPION CRITICAL SEASON XXXV RUNNER-UP
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Latest matches:
| CHC Season 37, Week 7 |
| 1 |
Doom and Gloom |
| 2 |
Marquess’ Maulers |
| CHC Season 37, Week 7 |
| 3 |
Coruscant Empire |
| 0 |
Pinkeye Pond Brow... |
| CHC Season 37, Week 7 |
| 4 |
Fallcrest Falcons |
| 0 |
Dracarys |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 1 |
Children of the K... |
| 2 |
Doom and Gloom |
| CHC Season 37, Week 7 |
| 2 |
Moon Mountain Mad... |
| 0 |
Thomas Thomas Club |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 1 |
Creeveland Brownies |
| 2 |
Thomas Thomas Club |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 2 |
Handmaiden Sister... |
| 2 |
Dracarys |
| CHC Season 37, Week 5 |
| 1 |
Spee-Dee |
| 1 |
Thomas Thomas Club |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 2 |
Endless Storm |
| 0 |
Amorical Spikey B... |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 2 |
Spores of the Gre... |
| 0 |
Moon Mountain Mad... |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 2 |
Coruscant Empire |
| 1 |
Fallcrest Falcons |
| CHC Season 37, Week 6 |
| 1 |
Marquess’ Maulers |
| 0 |
Pinkeye Pond Brow... |
| CHC Season 37, Week 5 |
| 2 |
Doom and Gloom |
| 1 |
Handmaiden Sister... |
| CHC Season 37, Week 5 |
| 2 |
Spores of the Gre... |
| 0 |
Endless Storm |
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