Old Bulletins
Retired!
| Old bulletin board |
| Jan. 28th, 2015 |
CLUMSY CREWS CLASH IN CELLAR (or POGO PONDERS POUNDING PACT, PLAYS POORLY)
RED MOUNTAIN – Back-to-back home games for the Hooligans saw them welcome in the Chaos Pact crew Lost Chariots of Fire over the weekend for a match about as wild as you would expect from two of the league’s most interesting (as in cellar-dwelling) teams! The Hooligans made plenty of mistakes, Coach McGuire made decisions like a blindfolded Snotling in a dark room full of rigged mousetraps, and our lads still managed to not lose 1-0. Wait, that’s a win, right?
The Chariots actually came in as something of an underdog, getting 220k in extra gold from league officials to even the odds and promptly reinvested it by betting on themselves! They then won the right to receive and the match was on!
Coach McGuire told his guys to send out 12, continuing their ‘Cheat to Win’ philosophy this season but forgot that most of the team can’t count! Eleven players trotted out onto the pitch, including Short Fuze the rookie Bombardier, and the team would up legal by accident! After the game, goblin #14 Troll Bait had this to say, “I counted dem meself as they went out and got 37 on da nose! I checked it twice, I did! You callin’ me a liar, boyo? I’ll kick yer shins fer yeh, yeh don’ watch out! Plus, lyin’ is Zeb’s ting anyways.”
With the teams evenly matched (in number if not in intellect), the Hooligans kicked off and the Chariots immediately showed why they are called the “Lost” Chariots by attempting a pass that bounced off Dark Elf Hudson’s hands before he gathered it in. The hesitation left him uncovered, however and gob fans began to shout, “Game over, man! Game over!”
Bigger Ed heard his number called and hit marauder #11 Imperial so hard he drove him into the pitch. Refs declared him dead and just buried him on the spot. ‘Future Cas’ Kazlowski blitzed in with his mates lending assists and downed Hudson, but failed to injure him and was immediately booed by the rest of his own team. The ball was gathered up and handed to Pogoer ‘Steady’ Eddy, who was so distracted booing Kazlowski that he dropped the ball!
A scrum ensued, as is likely to happen in Blood Bowl, and goblin #13 Ottershaw had his bell rung so bad by Marauder #10 Willys that the goblins got a serious concussion! But the Hooligan’s luck turned when ‘Steady’ Eddy managed to stop laughing long enough to scoop up the ball and bounce into the endzone to end the first half! The Hooligans led 1-0 at the half!
The second half began with the goblins fielding a full complement of 11 (on purpose), including Looney Willy Cutcha and Fanatic Dizzy Dirk, while the Chariots fielded only 9! But they were ready, as they blitzed as soon as the ball was in the air! Marauder #10 Willys ran under the ball and caught it! When the Hooligans recovered, they sent in Willy Cutcha to cut Willys down, stunning the Marauder and freeing the ball. King Joe stepped in to step on Willys but the ref was all over him, ejecting him immediately! Let ‘em play, ref!
Another scrum ensued (imagine that?), but Pact players were leaving the pitch at an alarming rate – too-fast alarming for the Chariots and too-slow alarming for the Hooligans! With only 5 opponents left on the pitch, ‘Steady Eddy grabbed the ball and ran down the sideline. Coach ‘Cheats’ McGuire had him hold up, ON THE SIDELINE, so that Looney Cutcha could run down the closest Marauder. Cutcha’s normally-trusty saw backfired not once but twice, and down he went!
Eddy’s eyes got cartoonishly wide as the Marauder ran right at him and sent him into the stands to meet the public! He actually dropped the ball before the hit (slo-mo instant relays were hilarious) so the ball stayed on the pitch!
With the momentum shifting to the Chariots, they scoop up the ball and pass to Hudson the Dark Elf Renegade, who runs it to midfield! There was time for the draw – could the Hooligans get out of their own way and stop the Pact?
Goblins surrounded Hudson and Bigger Ed came crashing in with a huge blitz, he easily seemed three times as big as that trembling elf, and planted Hudson face down on the pitch! Goblin #14 Troll Bait went for the ball, fell down dodging, and hurt himself just as the final bell sounded! Hooligans win 1-0 and look ridiculously bad doing it!
After the game, Short Fuze the Bombardier was voted MVP for some reason, and jumped up at the chance to use this for contract leverage. The team cut him immediately and hired Bolt Throwa, hoping he will eventually, with the right training, be a hail mary success!
Next week, the lads return to the division with a rematch against the Necro performance art troupe Oblique Approach! |
| - Chance |
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| Jan. 27th, 2015 |
FOREST FANS FLOOD FIELD, FIX FIGHT (or SIX SMASHED, STREAK STILL SAVED)
RED MOUNTAIN – Twenty-three thousand fans showed up for the Hooligan’s rematch with division rival Gallifrey but only six thousand were rooting for our lads, despite it being a home game! Those that did show up or sneak in saw the Hooligans win the match in every way that counts but score one less touchdown to ‘lose’ 2-1.
Speaking of gold, our lads used some to hire Famed Chainsaw Artist Nobbla Blackwort, eager to make up for failing us so badly against the Necro, as well as a wizard, and then set aside enough to ‘influence the refs three times.
‘Future Cas’ Kazlowski gathered up the Woodie kick and tried to find blockers near midpitch. Bigger Ed took a stick in the leg from his linemates and knocked out an Elf. Looney Willy Cutcha, distracted by playing alongside his idol Blackwort, failed to break the armor of rookie Wardancer Dr. Who and was immediately given the facepalm by Nobbla. But Cutcha swore to do better or die trying! Or both!
Whlle the teams jostled for position, King Joe got in an early boot and knocked out another Elf. Fans close to the pitch couldn’t tell if it was the impact of the boot or the stench! Either way, one less Elf!
A bit later, the Gallopers saw their chance, and coach Drew called the number of All-League Wardancer The Master! He leapt in, seemingly boosted by AG-enhacing ‘supplements’, and tackled ‘Future Cas’. The ball bounced right to Nobbla, who showed his team spirit by immediately lateralling it to goblin #11, Shinzo! It was either a lateral or a fumble but it worked!
Inspired by his team actually keeping the ball and wanting to finally impress Nobbla, Willy Cutcha fired up his trusty saw (maybe that was the problem last time – it’s not a club Willy!) and killed rookie Wardancer Dr. Who! The doctor is OUT…FOREVER! Not to be outdone, Nobbla showed his own chainsaw artistry and injured Elf #11 John Lumic so bad, he will miss his next game!
But the lad’s momentum was cut short when the Master leapt in again and popped out the ball. Catcher Rose Tyler scooped up the rock, passed it easily despite several goblins hanging on for dear life, and an open Elf hauled in the throw for an easy (for Woodies) TD. Hooligan coach ‘Cheats’ McGuire immediately requested hair samples from Master and Tyler to be sent to league offices for AG-boosting drug testing. His team agreed to gather those samples APAP – as painfully as possible!
The refs agreed to ‘forgive’ Nobbla’s illegal weapon (for the right price) but were harsher on Cutcha, sending him off despite accepting gold! Apparently, they had money on Dr. Who surviving the halfl
The ensuring kick was easily sniffed out by the Woodies and they BLITZED the goblins by flooding the backfield! Our lads managed to surround ball but #13 Ottershaw refused the handoff and dropped the ball!
Luckily, the Gallopers couldn’t get to it and the Hooligans recovered. Big Ed badly hurt an Elf and we were looking for the halftime draw!
It was not to be, as, once again, The Master leapt in and sprung the ball loose! “Nobbla!”, shouted Coach McGuire, “Kill that guy!” Nobbla, nodded and dodged out, looking to cut The Master down to size…then prompty fell down and badly hurt himself.
Coach McGuire had no choice but to call the wizard in to prevent the Elf score. The Master suddenly regretted all his hair care products when the lightning bolt found his skull by way of his hairspray-drenched Mohawk and knocked him out! So we went into the half down 1-0!
The second half started with the Gallopers having only 3 players! Coach McGuire immediately called for them to resign but Coach Drew had an undefeated season to protect and said he would play with zero players if he had to! Coach McGuire agreed quickly but the refs stepped in an insisted the Woodies play the players still able to stand. This delay in game apparently angered the Elf crowd because as soon as the kick was in the air, they invaded the pitch! With so many Elf fans in the stands, they stunned over half the Hooligans, including both trolls, while all three Elves remained upright. Coach McGuire later said, “I had to applaud coach Drew’s deviousness. I thought I knew a thing or two about cheating but he managed to get the crowd to come out here and steal this game for him. I didn’t know Elf fans could get that drunk.”
With their hard-earned player advantage swept away, the Hooligans couldn’t stop three Elves, two of them obviously AG-inhanced from ‘natural’ supplements, from scoring to make it 2-0.
Like a broken record, the next drive started exactly the same as the others – Hooligans grabbed the ball, Master knocks it out (with no more chainsaws to give him a haircut), Tyler grabs it to score…but she was looking up at the scoreboard to see how good her hair looked and she failed an easy dodge! Would have been 3-0 for sure!
The Elves take this as a sign and begin to run away from the ball, high-fiving fans and signing haircare endorsement deals. Jimmy Two-Boots scored on the final play to make it 2-1. It was not a moral victory because the lads already achieved that by injuring 6 Elves – some by saw, some by fist, some by boot!
After the match, team officials swore to look into attendance policies. Five minutes later, team vice-president Miser Sacksagold was accused of taking a bribe from the Gallopers to stuff the stands with drunk Elf fans. He was fed to the Ed brothers. Red Mountain is currently interviewing candidates to replace him. Must hate Elves and love gold. But hate Elves more! |
| - Chance |
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| Jan. 10th, 2015 |
HOOLIGANS HAMMER 'HIGH' ELVES (or STINKY SCENT SMELLS LIKE SUCCESS)
LAND OF DANK – Red Mountain (and our lads) can sometimes smell not so great. But they are all Orc Spice poster gobs compared to the team we faced in this match, the Dank Elves. Possibly invigorated by the foul aroma, or just stupidly lucky, the Hooligans somehow managed their first victory of the season 2-1 in a chainsaw-fueld thriller!
Coach 'Cheats' Mcguire was late to the match, offering up excuses of "was meeting with the ref's union" and "sleeping" as defense. Since the High Elves were the only ones present at the coin toss (the Hooligans were fighting in their own dugout), the Dank team won the right to receive the opening kickoff. Two turns later, they led 1-0 with several of our lads still not sure the match had begun.
The touchdown seemed to wake them up however as Fanatic Dizzy Dirk and Looney Willy Cutcha trotted onto the pitch for the Hooligans. "Nothing sharpens m'blade like Elf!" exclaimed the wild-eyed chainsaw aficionado.
As the ball fell back down to earth, both trolls were mesmerized by the Elves flowing blonde locks and could only push them around while attempting to pet them. Goblins gangblocked Elf Blitzer #2 Harold Lee and fouled him for good measure but could only stun the tackling machine. 'Steady' Eddy the Pogoer also seemed confused (moreso than normal) as he bungled the pick-up.
The Dank Elves moved in, but Willy Cutcha cut Elf Catcher #5, Blake Henderson, down before he could say 'AAARGH!' Or while he was saying it, one or the other. Both trolls began laughing so hard at the squealing elf noises that they both went stupid. As the High Elves continued to press the attack, Bigger Ed reached out to pet the nearest elf, #11 The Dude, and nearly tore his pointy-eared head clean off!
As the Dude abided being carted off by the medics, the Hooligans knocked down Harold Lee a second time but could only keep him stunned. With Coach McGuire talking up the refs, no one was ejected! Let 'em play, refs!
The Dank Elf coach ordered his Loner Elf to take a swing at Looney Willy Cutcha and the chainsaw bounced hilariously between them, planting them both facedown on the pitch! Even with a mouthful of turf, Willy could be heard laughing all the way to the cheap seats! The High Elf made sounds too, but more of a mewling variety.
A third boot to the back of Harold Lee's skull kept him busy while Fanatic Dizzy Dirk liked the idea of hitting foes on the ground so much, he smashed High Elf #8 Towelie before the Dank Elf could even get to his feet! Towelie had to hit the showers and missed the rest of the match!
While a 4th foul on Harold Lee saw him KOed and the heroic goblin ejected (to a drunken, half-standing ovation), High Elf Cather #6 Anders Holmvik dodged into the Hooligan cage and blocked 'Steady' Eddy, the Pogoer, despite all the other Goblins lending him a hand! Anders was vaporized instantly by Eddy's raw power (or a cheap shot to the cash and prizes) and killed outright! The High Elf apothecary was called in to patch him up in time for the game after next!
'Steady' Eddy bounds into the endzone to even the score at 1-1! After the halftime show of chainsaw juggling and cheerleaders throwing free bombs into the crowd, the Hooligans came out for the second half on a mission. That mission looked a lot like fouling and biting and yelling but it somehow proved effective. Bomber Short Fuze was ejected for fouling even though replays CLEARLY showed that stepping on that prone elf's obviously broken leg was an accident! And by 'replays', I mean my memory.
Despite continued elf-bias by the refs, our lads held the rock for most of the half until they found themselves a turn away from victory! That is until High Elf #10 Silent Bob, who strangely had actually been silent all game, dodged into the goblins' cage (or, more accurately, the goblins' loose collection of cackling loiterers), and knocked Eddy off his trusted pogo stick, despite all the other goblins grabbing and twisting any elf bit they could get hold off!
After his teammates downed Silent Bob (though he survived, it is this reporter's great sorrow to report), Eddy bounced into the endzone to grab the ball and victory...but failed again! Coach McGuire sighed, lowly shook his head, and called in the probability wizard to rewind time a few moments and Eddy went for the rock again...and scooped it up for the 2-1 Hooligan win!
Goblin #12 Zeb the Liar said after the game, "One is a great number," referring to the number of Hooligan wins on the season, "but I prefer the number three - as in three High Elves left on the pitch at the end. That's still 3 Elves too many but the stupid refs called the game before we could finish 'em off!"
Our lads face more Elves in their next match, these of the woodland variety, when they welcome division rivals the Gallifrey Gallopers to Red Mountain. Can the lads score 2 TDs again? Can they give up 5 TDs again? Probably not and more than likely! Find out next time! |
| - Chance |
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| Dec. 2nd, 2014 |
WOLVES AND WIGHTS WIN WOUNDED (or NECRO NEED NEW NAMES)
RED MOUNTAIN – The Hooigans hosted a performance art troupe that occasionally plys Blood Bowl this past weekend when the Necro menagerie Oblique Approach came to town. Our lads fouled their way to a 3-1 loss but the Necro will remember them!
The Approach received the opening kick and this angered the local fans so much so (or maybe it was the overpriced stadium ale!) that they hurled a rock onto the pitch! It found the back of star player Nobbla Blackwort’s skull and killed him outright! Rumors of his death were quickly exaggerated as his special apothecary resurrected him and he snuck out of the stadium with his head hung low in shame.
A Wight calling himself ‘askew’ scored what would prove to be the first of several touchdowns but the teams set up for the ensuing kick. The Hooligans sent out thirteen players and even had three in the near widezone but the Necro were too self-absorbed to notice.
The Hooligan moved the ball to mid-pitch before everything went crazy…just the way our lads like it! Big Ed refused to act for three straight turns, choosing instead to stand still as to not disturb the butterfly that had landed on his nose. King Joe of 9th Street fouled werewolf Aslant for the third time in the first half, finally ringing his bell so hard that the mangy dog will miss this game and next!
Wight #3 ‘skew’ took umbrage at that and attempted to fight uphill against Dizzy Dirk, the fanatic! He caught the business end of Dirk’s ball-and-chain (that would be the ball) square in the face and suffered a smashed ankle on his way to the pitch. He was so surprised that he failed to regenerate! That’ll slow him down, folks!
As the Hooligans moved into Necro territory, the Obliques took out Dirk while Willy Cutcha, our faithful Looney, failed to remove any Necro players but double oned himself right out of the match!
Steady Eddy the Pogoer saw a chance to push the remaining werewolf into the crowd and it failed spectacularly! The Necro popped the ball out and a nearby flesh golem caught it! The Hooligans fried the Golem with a lightning bolt and King Joe made 5 dodges plus a pick up to score and tie the game at 1-1!
The lads loose their bomber to a biased ref and bribe another ref to bring back the Looney for a single turn. That’s fouling money, you say? Exactly, we have no idea what the coach was thinking. Or IF.
The second half opened with a pitch invasion. Apparently the crowd had not settled down about the stadium ale prices, or maybe they decided to tear down the commissary and steal all the booze. Reports are still coming in. Either way, 5 of the 8 remaining Hooligans were stunned, including both trolls. Three goblins grab the ball and run to the near widezone hoping for the best. They clearly have no concept of what ‘best’ means.
Wight #4 badly hurts Steady Eddy and the Necro swarm in. What follows is too grisly to print in a family publication like this but suffice it to say the Necro scored twice more while the Hooligans made us proud as they continued to foul down to the very last goblin.
After the game, Coach McGuire was asked about his revolutionary tactic of playing 13 against 11. “We do things the Hooligan way, not the right way.” |
| - Chance |
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| Oct. 26th, 2014 |
BOYS BEATEN BY BLOCKING BEARDS (or TACKLING TYRANTS TOO TOUGH)
CHANCEBURG - The Hooligans travled to the interstate mining town of Chanceburg to play some Blood Bowl and were beaten soundly when Dwarves showed up. The final was 2-0 in touchdowns scored, 4-2 in casualties caused and 191-0 in beers drunk.
After the Dwarves received, bomber Bob Zuhway, Esq got things started by throwing a bomb that Longbeard Oxford Kalona intercepted and returned to Bob directly. Bob blew himself up but was still later named MVP for having the first successful completion in franchise history. He promptly side-stepped new contract talks and was cut from the team.
With the Hooligans best shot at breaking up the revolutionary Dwarf offensive tactic called "The Cage", the Placenames shambled drunkenly down the pitch for an easy TD.
The ensuing kick saw the Dwarf coach call the Hooligans on an illegal procedure penalty. He was overheard arguing with the officlals and saying something about 'not being up 3-0 yet' or something.
Later, King Joe of 9th Street KOed Longbeard Stuart Panora with a well-placed and especially disgusting boot but things continued downhill for the Hooligans. First, they remembered they were playing against Dwarves. Then Dwarves began to stand next to them and 'tackle' our lads into multiple turnovers.
Looney Willy Cutcha failed to break a Trollslayers armor and was KOed. Bigger Ed knocked a Longbeard out for the game but the drive stalled when the Holigan's coach 'Cheats' McGuire forgot to have a probability wizard help when Fanatic Dizzy Dirk went for it and fell down spinning. That's not cheating coach, that's just dumb!
The Goblin attack was thwarted by the brilliant Dwarven defense of 'standing next to goblins and waiting for them to fall down'. It worked and the Beards went into halftime up 1-0.
The second half was more of the same - Dwarves simply walked up to the goblins and watched failure ensue. Reports began coming in that the coach actually DID have a genius plan but the Dwarves were too drunk to hear him shouting.
After a goblin fell down escaping the Dwarves amazing and totally-deserved tackling ability, Placeburg Runner Altoona Bondurant scooped up the rock and began stumbling toward the team's second score. Bigger Ed the Troll decided to take matters into his own rather limited brain and actually dodged into the open field to give chase! He then tried to outblock a Dwarf and was headbutted in a sensitive area for his troubles! As he crashed to earth, nearby players heard him shout, "I'll take the ssskkkuuullll!"
Dwarves actually threw a pass, taking full advantage of the suddenly half-empty pitch! But after a heroic goblin blitz ended up failing because of the Dwarves brilliant tackling (Editor's Note - We endorse constant sarcasm regarding Dwarven 'tackling'.), Bondurant fell down in the endzone, another victim of the Hooligan's sneaky tripwire installation!
Our Hooligans made a desperate attempt at the ball, but were blocked and tackled into oblivion yet again. Dwarves gathered up the ball at mid-pitch and headed for the endzone. After a Trollslayer injured Steady Eddy the Pogoer, the Hooligans were left with two trolls and a single goblin on the pitch! At this point, the Dwarves did the only thing they could possibly do in this situation and stalled for several turns! The pro-goblin side of the stadium cheered as this was clearly a victory for the Hooligans, no matter what the 'score' says on the biased, home-team scoreboard.
After the game, rookie bomber Short Fuze was brought up from the Hooligan's farm team, literally a squig farm the team bus passed on the way home.
Next week, the Hooligan's take on division rival Oblique Approach, a Necro team clearly hoping to confuse our lads with their bizarre name. 'One Ear' Westerman, who missed the Dwarf match with a bruised ego, said "Won't work, we play out best confoozled!" |
| - Chance |
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| Oct. 13th, 2014 |
LIGHTNING LIZARDS OUTLAST LADS! (or HIPPIES HAPPILY HALT HOOLIGANS)
LUSTRIA - On their recent road trip to Lustria, our Hooligans did everything but score touchdowns as they lost to the traveling Lizard troupe Famer's Market 3-0.
Coach 'Cheats' McGuire pulled out all the stops by sending out all 12 Hooligan players to defend the opening drive. "We make our own rules...because we don't understand the normal rules." said the crafty goblin during a postgame buffet.
The pressure approach continued as the goblins pulled off a blitz before the opening kick even hit the ground! With the ball headed safely to the northeast corner, Loony Willy Cutcha chainsawed Saurus Golden Delicious, stunning the large reptile!
"'E 'ad no idea I wuz comin'! Plus, wit dat name, he needed a good cuttin'!"
Both teams proceeded to treat the spectators with some finely crafted playcalling as all seven combined reroll wizards were gone by turn three.
The Hooligans managed to break into the Lizard cage and Zeb the Liar was ready to diving tackle the ballcarrier if needed but Mushroom the skink fails the dodge out of sheer fear! The ball scatters, the goblins scooped it up and try to hand off for an easy score but goblin Jimmy Two-Boots dropped the handoff! "I was raised to never take anything from a goblin."
A scrum ensued before Steady Eddy, Hooligan Pogoer, tried to heroically leap in and help his teammates. He crashed and died. The team apoth saved him, leaving Coach McGuire to facepalm.
The Lizards scored and the stadium erupted with booing as the refs ejected three goblin players for "weapons".
After the Lizards scored, Big Ed was too stupid to throw a goblin with the ball. Or too smart. "I wuz raised to not to take goblins with things."
He had one more chance before the half, and threw Jimmy Two-Boots to a wide open area of the pitch with Saurus draped all over him! Well within scoring range, Jimmy began celebrating before even landing and bungled it badly, making a hilarious noise as he hit the turf!
The second half began with the third Big Ed/Jimmy Two-Boots score attempt and Jimmy stuck the landing! The problem was he was way too far away to score as Big Ed had been throwing directly into the wind! So he scampered back behind the trolls on the goblin side!
After the Lizards rushed in, Big Ed pulled a surprise play and tried to EAT Jimmy Two-Boots! Jimmy was pretty surprised! The goblin squirmed free but bounced off a lizard on the way down and the ball was loose!
Sprouts the Skink grabbed the ball, but tripped twice over the endzone! Reports of goblins high-fiving and talking about a 'tripwire' remain unconfirmed.
Zeb the Liar scooped up the ball but was all alone, so he ran to the corner of the lizard endzone, signing autographs and taunting lizards to push him into the crowd!
Which they did. The crowd threw the ball back to midpitch but kept Zeb. Pogoer Steady Eddy tried another leap, fell, and injured himself. Again. The League is looking into a new nickname for him Early research shows strong support for 'Idiot' or 'Moron'.
The Market scored again and then delivered a lovely coffin-corner kick. Zeb the Liar refused to be pushed around (or play the ball), and fouled a skink with two Saurus grabbing him! He was easily caught by the refs and ejected. He was hailed as a hero by the goblin crowd.
'Future Cas' Kazlowski, then found himself with the ball and his only remaining teammate were the Ed brothers, both Trolls too far away to help. Kaz did the only thing a goblin can do in that situation - he ran over and stomped a fallen skink! Nuffle was not kind and the skink survived.
The lizards promptly KOed Kaz and scored again.
With the lizards celebrating and every goblin injured or KOed or ejected, the Ed brothers were left all alone at midpitch, discussing art and philosophy. Or drooling. Probably drooling. |
| - Chance |
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| Sep. 26th, 2014 |
HEAVIES HEAVE HOOLIGANS HEAVENWARD! (or WOODIES WONDER WHAT WENT WRONG!)
GALLIFREY - The Hooligans played their first away game of the season at The Glade, the home stadium of the Gallifrey Gallopers Wood Elf franchise. They did everything better than those prissy Elves and lost 5-4.
Star Players Fungus the Loon and Nobbla Blackwort were called in to help our lads' cause and also be paid stupid amounts of gold. When told their gold had been eaten by the Wood Elves and that they would need to get it out, the two Stars did their ineffectual best. But when the Gallopers galloped (too soon?) out to a 2-0 lead, Fungus and Nobbla simply mugged several spectators and hit the road.
The Hooligans' rostered weapons specialists all apparently were unhappy about their paltry contracts when compared to the Star's pay, so they all decided to do nothing. Either that, or they are just not that good. Maybe both!
The Hooligans were so busy trying to injure and foul the Wood Elves that they had no idea of the score. Goblin Zeb the Liar found himself holding the spiked ball midway through the first half.
"I went up to Big Ed...or maybe it was Bigger Ed...and kicked him in the shins. We practice that play, it means knock over a Woodie so I can bash his skull in with this mace!" When asked if, by 'mace', he meant 'ball', his response was, "What?"
Most of the crowd was still watching at this point, wondering why more blood had not been spilled and also not wanting to be caught unaware by an errant bomb. Most of them watched Big Ed...or Bigger Ed... snatch up Zeb the Liar and throw him downfield. "'E were kickin' me inna shins, the dirty git! So's I slung 'im! Is 'e dead?"
Zeb managed to land on his feet and realized he could score! Not much later, coach 'Cheats' McGuire called the play again, and 'One Ear' Westerman had his first career touchdown!
During halftime, the Hooligans schemed to scheme better and the Gallopers permed their hair. The second half saw The Master, Galloper Wardancer, notch two casualties but our lads were so tough they'll be back next match. When asked what kind of name 'The' was, the Wood Elf looked offended and just stared.
The Wood Elves scored twice while the Hooligans decided to punt another Goblin downfield, this time King Joe of 9th Street. "I just pretended the endzone was 9th Street, because I'm from 9th Street!" Despite his limited intelligence, he managed to score! A hired wizard had zapped a Wood Elf Catcher with a lightning bolt to jar the ball loose so it could be picked up by 'Steady' Eddy, who delivered it to King Joe!
At this point, the Hooligan's noticed the Wood Elves were performing an illegal procedure! Coach 'Cheats' McGuire immediately reported it...to the Elves! "The Woodies are our opponent, but the REFS are our enemies! Plus, nobody does nothing illegal but us!"
Zeb the Liar got greedy and was thrown for his second touchdown. "I got a hat trick!" he began screaming while still in the air.
While the teams prepared for their final drive with the score squarely in the Goblins' favor at 4-4, the Hooligans noticed KOed Goblins were slow to return. Rookie Jimmy Two-Boots had this to say, "Why did we have a Human cheerleader in the KO dugout? Is she a juggler? Did she bring food? Does she know any Goblin girls?" The team has promised to look into this controversy!
The Wood Elves scored and won 5-4 but the highlight of the game for all involved was the death of Wood Elf LineElf #12 Abzorbaloff. He attempted to really go for it to impress Galloper Coach Buccicone by marking one of the Eds. Sadly or hilariously depending on what team you root for, he approached from the rear and was killed outright by the stench.
After the game, it was discovered that, despite the 24000 fans, the two teams earned a combined $40,000 gold pieces. Everyone immediately suspected the Goblins stole the rest. Authorities say their hands are tied because the Goblins likely lost it as soon as they took it. "Perfect crime!" said several Goblins! "Even our mistakes are brilliant!"
The Hooligans take on a Lizardman team called Farmer's Market next week. They are suspected hippies. Should be fun! |
| - Chance |
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| Sep. 20th, 2014 |
GARISH GET-UPS GIVE GOBLINS GRIEF! COSPLAYING CONTROVERSY CAUSES CONFUSION!
RED MOUNTAIN - The Hooligans fell heroically to the Fuzz Squad yesterday by the it-had-to-be-closer-than-it-sounds-right? score of 6-1. The Skaven took the pitch wearing costumes of animals other than Rats and that really confused the normally clear-thinking and rational Goblins. The team had a lot to say after the extremely close and controversial loss.
"Shouldn't they be called the FuzzY Squad with those outfits?" observed "Future Cas" Kazlowski.
"DUCK!!!" yelled every Goblin right before being hit by the duck-costume-wearing Skaven Blitzers. Or right before being thrown by a Troll. "DUCK!!!" was actually shouted quit a lot.
"Those costumes seem hot in this weather, I'm concerned for their health." said no one.
"I thought we hired an Apoth?" is what Goblin Number Eleven would have said if the team had woken up the Apoth to save him after he was killed.
Coach "Cheats" McGuire vowed after the game to file a formal complaint with the league about enforcing uniform policies, which the league does not have. "Dressing up like cats and penguins is how teams cheat now? I don't understand a world where that nonsense out-cheats a chainsaw!"
Looking ahead, the Skaven helped the Hooligans prepare for their Week Two match by only allowing their Looney, Fanatic and Bomber on the pitch for one turn each. They should be well-rested! The Hooligan's press agent released this statement, "Thanks creepy cosplaying rats!" The actual team itself then vowed to balance the universe by showing that much bad sportsmanship against the Woodies next week.
Roster News - The Hooligans added Goblin Jimmy Two-Boots to the active roster after open tryouts. He was the only one that showed up. He was lost. After being told he had made the team, he was quoted as saying, "What?" The team has high hopes for him! |
| - Chance |
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| Sep. 8th, 2014 |
SQUAD SUED BEFORE SEASON STARTS! LAWSUIT LEVELS LIGHTHEARTED LADS!
RED MOUNTAIN - The Southstorm Squig Chasers, one of the Old World's most famous Goblin teams, recently sent a Cease-and-Desist letter to a local franchise for name infringement. The Hooligan's press agent was quoted as saying, "Already? Man, that was fast."
The letter claims that the local team, now known as the Red Mountain Hooligans, infringed upon the name "Southstorm Squig Chasers" by calling themselves the "Southstorm Squig Chasers". Even for Goblins, this was not bright.
Hooligan's coach "Cheats" McGuire denied requests for an interview but released this statement - "The Hooligans are looking forward to a season of cheating...I mean playing Blood Bowl."
Hooligan Looney Willy Cutcha said, "I wouldn't stand there if I were you." |
| - Chance |
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Red Mountain Hooligans
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CRITICAL SEASON XXXVI CHAMPION CRITICAL SEASON XXXVI RUNNER-UP CRITICAL SEASON XXXV CHAMPION CRITICAL SEASON XXXV RUNNER-UP
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