Old Bulletins
Retired!
| Old bulletin board |
| Jan. 9th, 2015 |
Weather Wrecks Warped One's Way to Win! Week 9 saw the completion of the home and home series between the Chanceburg Placenames and the Cult of Personality.
Torrential pouring rain ravaged the Cults home "stadium" (a chaotic cesspool on the best of days), causing their audio systems to fail, preventing the Cult's theme song from playing during their prematch rituals. This so distracted the zealots of the Cult during the opening kick off that the Placenames were able to make the first move! This lucky break allow them to secure the ball early during the Cult's first drive. A late drive failed pass from Runner Eldridge DeWitt to fellow runner Altoona Bondurant set up a turn 8 attempt to scoop up the ball during the deluge to punch it in for the go ahead score. Sadly this attempt failed when the ball came to life due to the prolonged exposure to chaotic ooze!
Chanceburg's ever resourceful and alway indescribable team owner Jon-Toni McKirk Offenburg was able to convince the Cult to sacrifice the writhing pigskin creature to the blood god Khorne at halftime!
DeWitt made up for his first half follies by taking the second half kick all the way to the Cult's End Zone during the match's second drive.
As the Placenames set up to kick off, Tzneetch showed his displeasure with the earlier sacrifice to Khorne at halftime, changing the pouring rain to blinding blizzard! The severely limited visiblity and treacherous footing foiled the cults attempt to push for a late match tying score.
Perhaps the Cult of Personality will change their teams motto from "Blood for the Blood God!" to "Change for the Change God!" |
| - Tim |
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| Jan. 2nd, 2015 |
Our Boys Outlast Overrated Ogres For their week 8 tilt, our boys from Chanceburg faced of against a traveling troupe of Ogre and Snotling belly dancers playing under the unimpressive moniker "Mediogre".
While not especially impressive on the pitch, the Ogres of Mediogre are renowned across the old world for their talents as Dancers. In fact a huge number of their own fans stormed the pitch for autographs early in the match and the exertion of so much signing caused the early ogre defense to fall apart due to fatigue, leading to an early score by the placenames.
Harry Humdrum and Tolerable Tim put their talents to further use with an impressive duet that brought about an ogre touch down to tie the score at the half.
Mediogre then put on a quite elaborate half time show, which not only blew the crowd away but also left the ogres spent before the second half had begun!
This allowed the placenames to cruise to a 2-1 victory. After the match the always inconceivable team owner Jon-Tony McKirk Offenburg was heard to remark "what can you expect from a transient team without the class to have a location in their team name!" |
| - Tim |
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| Dec. 11th, 2014 |
CHAINSAW CHOPS CONFECTIONS IN CHANCEBURG Week seven saw a rematch between the Chanceburg Placenames and the hated, yet approved Lollipop Forest Thundererz.
The Thundererz received the opening kick off and it became quickly apparent during this drive that the elves had found an additional use for their sweet and sticky syrups, coating their uniforms with the stuff! This tactic lead to an early score as Annare Green-Flash was able to deftly snag a dump off pass while in a crowd of Chanceburg's finest and head in for an early 1-0 lead.
For the next drive, the Placenames unleashed the Latest scheme of the ever contriving team owner Jon-Tony McKirk Offenburg, the confectionary cutter himself, Flint Churnblade! Flint was able to foil an attempt by the thundererz at a defensive score and removed two of their number during the drive as Altoona Bondurant notched the tying score as the half expired!
At halftime, the daring and duplicitous team owner Jon-Tony McKirk Offenburg revealed the second phase of his plot, a hefty bribe to the home officials, allowing Flint to return for the Second Half!
The second half was largely uneventful as team captain Colfax Mingo was escorted down field where over half of the team snacked on some delicious candy bits that flint had lopped off of the Hapless Dark Elves during the previous drive.
Hopefully the one sided result will not sour the negotiations with the Lollipop Forest for the proposed dwarven candy mines! |
| - Tim |
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| Dec. 4th, 2014 |
SQUATS STOP STREAKING SKAVEN IN THE SNOW Our boys from Chanceburg arrived early for their match against "The Fuzz Squad" with two items on their agenda:
First and foremost, rumors had been circulating that these skaven did in fact hail from "Fuzz City" and that their naming scheme did in fact follow the one true path!
Secondly, the teams ever reticent owner John-Tony McKirk Offenburg had planned some prematch mining activity beneath the Fuzz City Stadium.
Both activities were made more difficult by the major blizzard in the area. The Dwarven scouts reported they were able to see the words "Fuzz City" and "Memorial Stadium" through the poor visiblity, apparently confirming reports that the skaven were on the one tru naming path.
Play began with the Placenames receiving the opening kick and executing a protracted 8 turn drive that Altoona Bondurant finished with a strong go for it into the end zone. The Fuzz Squad lined up for a turn 8 scoring attempt by star gutter runner Poofers when the Placenames attempted to unveil their pregame plot! A pit trip had been placed under the skaven runner which would knock him down and prevent the score! Unfortunately, the controls on the trap malfunctioned due to the poor weather and did not activate! Poofers was then able to maintain his footing and push his way into the end zone to tie things up at the half.
The second half began with Poofers taking the opening kick back to just outside of the Chanceburg end zone. Dwarven Runner Eldridge DeWitt was able to sprint across field and block down the unprepared skaven but was not able to secure the ball. Poofers then dodge into the endzone to secure the go ahead score but was tripped up by DeWitt's extra large sized Dwarven Giants brand Miner's Choice boots! DeWitt's attempt to scoop up the ball was then also foiled by his own DGMC's and the pig was knocked into the crowd!
Fellow Gutter Runner Pom Pom was poised to make up for Poofer's misplay, but just as he dodged towards the waiting ball, the Pit Trap finally activated disrupting his footing! Placenames Team Captain Colfax Mingo then took matters into his own hands, securing the ball as the boys from Chanceburg marched down field, scoring just as time expired!
As the team was exiting the field, the weather began to clear. At this point, it was discovered that the scouts had been wrong, the actual stadium name was the "Fuzz City Studios Memorial Stadium", named for the famous skaven recording studio know throughout the old world! This enraged Chanceburg's finest and they have vowed to take revenge upon these dirty rats the next time they meet! |
| - Tim |
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| Nov. 8th, 2014 |
Carry Over Causes Chaos Consternation Week 5 saw the boys from Chanceburg hosting a division match up at the newly christened "Chrome Dome" against the Cult of Personality.
The prematch research by ever abstruse owner of the Placenames Jon-Tony McKirk Offenburg regarding if Personality was in fact a location proved inconclusive. Therefore it was decided that the dwarves would determine this fact on the field through the final results!
Field conditions proved treacherous during the match as the grounds crew had joined in with the extended celebrations from last weeks match up against the goblins. Both teams had difficulty at critical moments dodging and going for it but the Placenames were able to recover and punch in a score through the heroic play by team captain Colfax Mingo.
As the second half wound down, The Cult were threatening to score and take the match into overtime. Oxford Kalona sprinted towards the Cult's ball carrier but was tripped up by another rogue can of Bloodweiser from the previous week's festivities! This left the might warrior Hilter free to march in for the score. Just as Hilter was ready to seize his ultimate victory he was knocked to the ground by a goblin tripwire trap left in place secretly from the Placenames previous match!
Thanks to the grit and ingenuity of the heroic players of Chanceburg (and not the lucky interference by those lowly goblins!) the Placenames were able to record another victory! |
| - Tim |
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| Oct. 28th, 2014 |
Punctuation Plasters Dwarves and Goblins A minor punctuation error listing the Placename's week 4 opponents as "Red's Mountain Hooligans" in the prematch literature inspired a home victory for the Dwarves.
The team's inscrutable owner Jon-Tony McKirk Offenburg began the post match celebrations during the pregame period when it was discovered that the opponents were not only goblins but also had such a ridiculous phrase for a team name.
During the first drive lineman Oxford Kalona even caught what he had thought was an additional celebratory beverage, when it was discovered that this was actually a bomb thrown by the opponents, Oxford promptly returned this insult to it's sender and blasted him out of he match!
Over halftime (and well into the second half) the celebration continued, leaving our hometown heroes so potted that they failed to notice the nefarious goblins setting up a sneaky tripwire that fouled the team's second scoring attempt. Luckily the Placenames were so full of rage and refreshment that they were able to clear nearly all of the little buggers from the field and stumble in for a late second score.
Mystifying owner Jon-Tony McKirk Offenburg was no where to be seen during the post match celebration... |
| - Tim |
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| Oct. 17th, 2014 |
CHANCEBURG'S FINEST ENRAGED BY BA-YOU The Placenames hosted the Misfits at the Chanceburg Chrome-Dome for their last match.
The Misfits showed up under the weather, as they were frequently heard to choke out a horrendous slann sneeze with a resounding "BA-YOU!!". There were claims that this offensive sound was in fact the name of some unverified location but the Placenames Mysterious Owner, Jon-Tony Mckirk Offenburg, could not be swayed, standing by his motto of "LOCATION AND MASCOT OR PERISH!"
This time, the boys from Chanceburg actually delivered on the oft uttered team motto and were able to march to a 2-0 victory fueled by a pile of injuries laid upon the hated hapless frogs. The Dwarves even added insult to injury, delivering an embarrassing pie to the eye of one of the fly-eatters which set up a second half turn-over score. |
| - Tim |
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| Oct. 8th, 2014 |
Dwarves Fall Short in Lolipop Forest After the elvish trickery of the previous week's game the Chanceburg Placenames vowed to not believe in the existance of the Lolipop Forest until they had seen it with their own beady dwarven eyes!
Team owner and mysterious figure Jon-Tony Mckirk Offenburg ordered the Placenames to make certain that their spikes and knuckledusters were polished and ready after the previous weeks overly friendly affair. This strategy lead to some early success as the Placenames were able to knock out several of the Thunderers and take an early 1-0 lead.
What the enigmatic Jon-Tony Mckirk Offenburg had not accounted for was the well known dwarven love of candy! At halftime the dwarves discovered that the entire locker room was built from hard candy. The Placenames spent so much energy mining every scrap of candy from the locker room walls and stuffed themselves so full they they were not able to prevent the Thunderers from taking the match to overtime.
In the extra period, the Thunderers were able to take the ball away from the Placenames as easily as a one might wrest candy from a babe (but never a dwarf).
This delicious disaster in the Lollipop Forest proved to the Placenames that this forest does in fact exist and while plans are in the works to begin a clear cutting operation the size of which may sate even the dwarven sweet tooth, the location/mascot format is currently intact. This leaves the Dank Elves firmly at the top of the Chanceburg Grudge List for their elvish treachery! |
| - Tim |
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| Oct. 8th, 2014 |
"Dank" Suprisingly Found to Be Location The Chanceburg Placenames began their quest to politely request all teams to either adopt a location with mascot naming scheme or to face wholesale slaughter of all team members, staff and fans against the Dank Elves.
Moments before the match began, the Placenames received word that "Dank" was in fact the Elvish word for the hometown of their opponents rather than the illicit substance they had previously believed it to be. This news pleased the shadowy owner of the Placenames, Jon-Tony Mckirk Offenburg, so much that he ordered the team abandon all of their spikes and knuckledusters and focus on a high flying passing attack.
This lead to an opening drive that saw the ball move from one side of the field to the other more than once, but also saw the dwarves fall behind early 0-2. The Placenames were able to score quickly and then push the elves into the back corner of the endzone but fell short in a 1-2 loss, with the planned 0 injuries.
Moments after the match, it was found that the Placenames had been taken in by elvish trickery and that "Dank" was not a place at all but rather a state of mind! This has moved the Dank Elves to the top of the Chanceburg Grudge Book listing! |
| - Tim |
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Chanceburg Placenames
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CRITICAL SEASON XXXV CHAMPION CRITICAL SEASON XXXV RUNNER-UP CRITICAL SEASON XXXIV CHAMPION CRITICAL SEASON XXXIV RUNNER-UP
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